sooo tired

sooo tired
Originally uploaded by Wilhemina Lump Lump *bein nosey elsewhere*

This black woman here is tired.
Tired of the same ole same ole.
wakin up goin to a job where I feel like a robot.
Don't even know what I'm doin anymore
its all just motions.....same ole routine...day in and day out.

I'm tired of the same ole thing.
We tired of yall too
Same ole lame lies.
same ole tired excuses
hell you tired yaself.

We tired of u pickin us up late
and tired of u not havin enuff cash to take us out to nice restaurants.
We tired of riding around in the car wit u and yo boys, cuz they
aint got a ride and u they taxi.

We tired of loud mouth
and ridiculous excuses
get up off yo ass and do what u spose to do

These black queens need kings
if u aint right for the job then
u need to gone.

Gone out there and find u someone
who is more fitting for u and yo speed.
0 to no where.

I hate to say but some of yall make me sick
I c why my sisters fall in luv wit sistas.
why they seek love from another womb.

What yall doin? Do you even know
I doubt it..and besides I'm too tired to even care

bipolar bitch

Switchin my bitchy-ness on and off wit lightenin speed. Trust!

My mind goes a mile a minute I don't even know what all the messages are its just goin too fast for me so I ignore em.

Its been a minute since I have been able to enjoy a book or a magazine. Heck I can't concentrate long enuff to stay interested.

Same goes for people. Sometimes they bore me. What does one do about that? My bullshit meter is set on automatic. I was gonna say somethin else but stupid me couldn't think of the word I was tryin to use.

Is it possible to get altheimers at my age or am I sufferin from info overload? Maybe I got too much stuff n my brain that the important stuff is gettin lost.

I'm glad my love for music has never failed me. I owe that to my dad. When my walls start to close n I know I always can turn to my music to help a sista out.

I got so much to work on wit me. Um just too tired to even try to fix it.

Just gonna continue to stress on it til I croak.

use and discard

I didn't just lay here n my bed n figure this out, but people use you. They may not mean to buy they do.

Its amazin how they can call to talk when they need you to go out of your way to do a favor for them.

Some can even come up with such great compliments and kind words when u have somethin they want.

I feel like this is something I need to pay more attention to so that I can nip it in the bed.

I already have a few people in mind.

Sometimes I really really hate men.

to thee I wed

Well I was home last nite as usual, mindin my own biz when a good pal of mine called to let me know that he showed my pics to someone who was getting married in June.

Supposedly they are goin to call me in ref to shootin their wedding. I think its goin to be a small event but still I told him I would think about it.

Not sure that I want to do another wedding tho. Especially a low payin one. I guess I could use the loot for my future laptop or desktop purchase.

In other news life is boring and the workplace is on my nerves. I'm turnin into a fat person and that truly sucks.

Today I woke up to my chest hurting at first I thought it was nothin because it went away but then it came back. I figured that it must be gas or something so I just stayed n my bed and went back to sleep. I wa awakened again by my chest just hurtin so I decided to just get up and stir about but nothin changed the pain kept goin and coming. I called my docs office but they were closing because it was 12 but the nurse told me that I needed to call an ambulance. I didn't. Instead I drove myself to doctors care and they did an ekg and also a chest xray but he didn't see anything wrong. The doc gave me an aspirin n told me that I need to take one a day until he can get me in to see a heart specialist. Then he had the nerve to tell me that I couldn't go to the gym until after I see the specialist. I am tryin really hard to lose weight and this is just another setback. I really don't see why I have to stop its not like I'm running or anything cardio.

My mom says this is happenin cuz I've gained too much weiGht so fast and I lead a pretty sedentary life. The way she and my aunt describe me you would think I weiGhed a quarter ton. I may still do a lil exercise at home like workin on my abs he said if it happened again to go straiGht to the hospital but soon as I left his office and was walkin round the store to get meds it happened again n a clerk had to help me to a seat. Somethin bad is always happenin so um not really surprised.

The doc was gonna let me stay out tonite but I told him I had to work tonite cuz my partner already asked to come n late. Its hard to get someone to come n on short notice. I just said phuck it I can leave early after he gets in. All in all its been a odd n scary day. I'm quite ready to go home now cuz I feel blah!

forbidden

how sweet is it to be wit someone u know

you're not suppose to touch

kiss someone whose lips do not belong to u

have that person's hands run all over ur body

causing u to feel things u like but that u know

u shouldnt be feeling?

I know its wrong but

I like what u say.

I like how u feel.

I love how u kiss and I love ur touch

not sure if I want you tho.

I just know I want to continue borrowin u.

=)

This mornin

been crushin' on you since...well, since u know when.
but hmmm was it the perfume last nite? did u catch a scent of it as I walked by...?
somethin was different...cuz u stepped out of your zone. Talked more. Looked more.
acted as if u actually wanted somethin last nite.

I noticed it but...kept it to myself.
then I leave early....and what happens
lil messages from you.

"I want you" and "I want to touch you every time I get around you"


I'm crushin........ cant wait for whats next.

=)

I see things

I see things
Originally uploaded by Wilhemina Lump Lump

I'm not sure when it started but when I was around 9 was when I remember having my most scariest night terror. I dont have nightmares...they are night terrors. So scary at times that I wake up in a pool of sweat and sometime I wake crying.

I remember plain as day when I was about 9 having this dream about this witch. I was in my moms car...she was in the grocery store and there was a witch in the grocery store as well. What the hell she was doin in the piggly wiggly was beyond me but follow me now..

Ok my mom was takin her time as usual in the dam store and i was in the car just sitting there. I look up..and I can see the witch in the store thru the glass and she is lookin dead at me. She says, "I'm gonna get you" no one in the store heard her but I heard her in the car. Like her words just came to me. I immediately just got petrified...and I was tryin to get my moms attention to let her know...but she didnt notice..no one saw this witch dressed in full black walkin around the store wit a dam broom but me.

ANyway...she starts coming out the store...the entire time lookin at me..and I'm just frozen I cant scream...I cant wake up and I can't even move....She makes it to my moms car and the next thing I remember is my mom standing over me lookin like she saw a ghost. She came in my bedroom cuz she heard something slamming...and she said when she came in my room my bed was literally movin off the floor. It was like rockin violently.

I told my babysitter about it later...she was a much older woman..I used to call her momma ruby...and she told me when youre sleep and cant wake up and your bed jumps like that...it means a witch is riding u.... *falls dead* I was scared for real after that...and started sleepin in my moms room on the floor after that.

That is until my dad stepped on my leg one day gettin ready for work and almost cracked my dam leg in half. duh!

Anywho...they just got worse from that point on. Not sure why I have these dreams and even some things I dream ..come true just like I dream them...bad stuff. I'm definitely not psychic...but I do dream stuff every once in a while...and see it happen later. I wouldnt wish the stuff I dream on anyone.

Ok I take that back.. there is one person I'd wish em on.

~sigh~

My role on earth

apparently is to piss other folks off.
i do it so well and i dont even have to
try hard.

folks gets pissed if u ignore them
hmmm imagine that. they get mad
if u talk to them too much

its weird...really.
i have a new project to work on
gonna fix my laptop
if i fix it then my faith in my brain
will be renewed

if i cant fix it
then its confirmed that
i am an idiot
and i will check myself into a mental hospital
ok, maybe not

my head hurts...its been hurting since
yesterday when i almost blew a gasket
arguin wit my sons dad
who is an idiot by the way..not the son but the dad
the son is way smarter than the dad

why do I have to explain stuff to a grown man?
why, 5 yrs later am i still askin u for a copy of
my childs medical/dental card?
why must i curse u out in english and spanish
before u GET it?

why did my blood pressure
have to rise for that?
wonder if he realizes that if he
just obeys me...his life will go on
quite nicely? i only ask for two things
pay ur child support and send me a freakin copy
of the insurance card. not much to ask.

"I dont respond to threats", he says.
I beg to differ. U do...and I dont make threats
only promises.

think on that.

I wish

It wasn't so easy for me to get discouraged from doin things I really like. I wish I was motivated enough to try harder even tho it seems like I fail so much. I wish I wasn't so much of an introvert. I wish I could tolerate others more than I can now. I wish I knew how to fix my flaws and I wish I had the energy to want to fix them. I wish I understood the male mind and I wish I had the ability to understand the female mind.

I wish I could bring back my child. I wish I could send his father to the place he is now. I wish I didnt hate him so, but only because I'd like a fresh start at hatin him all over again. I wish I could erase him from my mind but then I'd have to wish that my sons memory would still somehow live on. I wish I knew how to control my emotions and feelings more and I wish that sometimes I didn't hate me as much as I do.

I wish I could lose some weight because I hate the state that I am in right now...and no, I'm not talkin about South Carolina. I wish I could find my high school sweetheart. I wish I could find another person on this earth who loved me like he used to. I wish all men could've been like him. I wish he was searchin for me still...like he was a while back before he just gave up.

I wish I was a happier person than I pretend to be.

just wishes

Thoughts and Feelings

It's weird, today I was in line at the Sonic. waiting for the slow cashier to take my order and the countless people ahead of me at the drive in's order. Nothing special was goin on. I was just sitting there getting utterly annoyed at their slowness. I hear music in the background and I look in my rear view window..........nice ride, handsome brotha drivin it...chic in the passenger seat. Makes me wonder...hmm why am I single again? I ponder that for a minute or too and still wait in line. Anothre car passes by...this time a sista is pushin a nice ride....the brotha...very handsome..older dude..is in the passenger side, clearly it's his car...they look happy, content even. Once again, What's wrong wit me?

Its funny to me, sometimes that is, that I can be fine as wine but then all it takes is seeing a couple pass by and then I start to wonder. Why can't I be happy like that with someone? and who says that they are happy anyway? How do I even know that? I dont really, I just know it seems like every one else in the world is either happy bein in their relationships or even more happy that they are single. Most days I can just be content with being single, alone..but then there are those days when it does bother me. Doesnt matter that folks say...you should be happy with yourself...and not just because someone else is in your life...usually those people who are NOT single, so their reasoning is mute as far as I'm concerned.

Where is this one person in this world that I am supposed to be sharing my life with? Maybe I'm too anti-social for anyone. I guess that could be an issue. I like to laugh and have fun and all that...but honestly, I dont talk very much. I'm content just bein in another persons company. I dont really have to talk. Silence is golden to me. I know thats weird but I've gotten used to that. I can work a 12 hour shift wit another person sitting not even 2 ft away from me and not say one word for the entire 12 hours. Not sure what that is all about but thats the way I am. I dont even like talkin on the fone. I can text to death, but I hate talkin. I know...weird.

I guess this is all I really wanted to say. I used to be able to write what I was feeling and convey it pretty well..........but now...my concentration is horrible. It's been that way since..Jaylon. Used to be able to just write poems and things and now...I lose my train of thought and what I planned to say before I even finish..just like now. Lots of things about me have changed since then. I'm a totally different person. If I could go back and fix it I would...but there is no fixin that. Sometimes I wonder if I should really talk to someone and get it all out but I'm not really ready to go back to that day and time and deal with it so I guess I will just continue to be moody and unforgiving of people until the day comes that I can fix this.

Guess this is all for now

tee

Hair today ....Gone tomorrow

Hmm its been a few days but nothing really exciting has been goin on. Surprise Surprise huh? lol Well those walking shoes that have been keepin me from exercising have finally come in the mail so now I can get out and walk right? hmmm, ~peeks out window~ "Is that a rain cloud I see in the sky? ~sigh~ I'm really gonna make a concerted effort to get out today and get some exercise in. I promise. ~fingers crossed~

In other news...in the pic above I know you notice that my hair is considerably shorter than it was a couple days ago. Well there is a story behind that. Let me just say that the blame falls on me because I have this problem with finding a hair stylist I like and then switching after a year because I get bored or something. Well the stylist I had before thanksgiving I was with her for a lil over 2 years...but I was bored before that just too lazy to find someone else. Well, thanksgiving of last year I found someone else and decided to try her out. I should've let my first visit be my last one because she put the wrong type perm in my hair and burned my freakin scalp in two places. My dam head was on fire in that mug. Then when it came to put the fire out...the water pressure in the shop was just horrible. Water was barely coming out. I thought I was just gonna burn up in the chair and the fire dept would need to be called to extinguish me.

Anyway..I kept goin..I saw other people go thru the same thing...perms that were too strong for their skin/scalp type bein set on fire in her chair.....but I still went...one lady was even cryin she was burning so bad. smh...but anywho what sealed the deal for me was on this same day. I saw her drop a styling comb on the floor..........pick it up and put it RAT back in her clients hair. ~falls out in the floor~ after that I said no freaking more. That was my last visit but by then the damage was done. My hair broke out severely in the back...I had to go to the freaking dermatologist get some creme and antibiotics...(hmm might need to send her my bill) and I was lost as what to do next.

I waited a week and just stressed about it because I never have issues with my hair...my hair always grows back quickly..but now this time. My hair used to be real long and healthy but I always like to cut it in different styles from time to time so its been a long time since I've let it grow out. Anyways, I got in my car and came upon this stylist shop in Mauldin...went inside and talked to the stylist there and she looked over my hair and gave me her professional opinion. She was really nice and professional. Her shot was spotless. She was dressed nice, her hair looked healthy and I even had a chance to speak to two of her clients. Sold! so I let her work her magic on my hair. She said I didnt need a drastic cut but I just figured to be on the safe side. I want it all cut so that it will all grow back more healthier and it will just make me feel better. I was a lil worried bout the style on my big melon head but she assured me it would look right, so I went for it. All in all, I'm pleased and I definitely like that I dont have to do my hair in the morning..lol wake, tossle, and go..hehehehe.

So...I've found a new stylist...and I am goin to just stay here and not switch and do what she says I should do concerning my hair and hope that nothing like this ever happens to me again. Lesson I learned? Know Thine Stylist!

Love. Peace. and Hair Grease.

There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.

I have no idea of what perfection is because I have no desire to attain it. I believe as Conrad Hall does that there is beauty in imperfection. Things dont have to be "perfect" to be right. Sometimes u just need a lil mess or fuss.

Today has been just a pretty quiet day for me. Got off work and went straight to the car repair shop to have some stuff done to my car. Had to hang around for a couple of hours, sleepy as I was but the silence of it all was a blessing to me. No fones ringing, no one knocking at the door. Just time to sit and think. Nothing in particular just random thoughts.

I appreciated that today. I also appreciated the discount that I received from the guys that worked on my car. I guess it had something to do with me bringing them biscuits and coffee to start off their morning. I dont know why I do things like that for strangers but I felt compelled to. All I know is that they were shocked and pleasantly surprised. My car runs super great now. I appreciate that.

ANy way...nothing new to report. I'll be leaving in the morning headed to Georgia to run some errands and things for my mom...so I will be m.i.a until Sunday. Enjoy your weekend.

Get over yourself...or not

Spent another day today at the spa. Its becoming somewhat of a small addiction now. I feel so good when I leave. Doesn't really last long tho. I can't really say that I haven't been trying to pamper myself these last couple of months because I have. Just doesn't seem to have the same feeling as if it was done by someone else. Why does that matter to me so much? I'm not really sure, but who wouldn't love that from time to time?

My spoiling myself today included a facial and a simple manicure. Nothing too fancy but it sure felt good as hell. I'm gonna curb goin so much in a few weeks. I just pretty much wanted to try one of each of the things on the "menu" if you will to see what I like. I know I love the facials, the pedicures and I'm anticipating the same thing with the massage which I have scheduled for March 2nd. ~Yay~

If only I could get my inside to feel as happy as my outside appears at times, but then again I haven't really been doin a great job of masking that. It's so easy to pretend to be in a good mood. Maybe its the weather. I hate the winter months. Maybe I just need for it to be warm again so that I can get out again and do more. Who knows. I'm not even sure why I felt compelled to write tonite. I just know its 1am and I'm at work bored to death so I'm eating every thing in sight. I'm not hungry or anything. I'm just bored and its weird, but when I'm bored to death I eat a lot. Which explains the 20lbs I've gained these last couple months.

I hate that but in a way I dont even care. I'm 40, and I'm not grotesquely overweight, yet, so I guess when I get to it I will get to it. Thats how it usually works. One day I just get up, put on the walking shoes, walk out the door and head to the gym and I'm committed to that until I get to where I want to be. I haven't gotten to that point just yet. Right now like I mentioned in a previous blog. I'm fine with just bitchin about my weight gain. ~Ugh!~

This weekend I will be goin back to Georgia. I kind of hate goin back home these days. Things have changed in the last couple years. People who were friends, dont really seem the same. I also lost a good friend to Cancer last year so I wont have that person to hang out with while I'm there. He always used to make me laugh, so it will definitely be a very short trip. Once I get back I will officially be on vacation. I plan to just get my house in order and clean out closets, (this is so interesting huh?) and just take some time for myself and relax.

Hmm well enuff of boring the masses. Enjoy your day.

me

Sometimes I'm a goober

Today started off pretty good and I guess its still good. I'm just not a creature for change. Surprises aren't always good where I'm concerned. I freak out a tad n feel totally uncomfortable. Thats what happened today. I felt a lil weird in a situation I used to be comfortable in. I guess because there was another variable present.

I should just get over it but Im weird so it takes me a minute. Felt like such a goober. ~smh~ Sometimes I just wish things could remain constant all the time but inside I know the only thing thats constant is change.

I just need to get with the freakin program.

The word of the day is relax. I say that because some times I just need some quiet time to myself. A point in the day where I can just sit and be quiet and only think pleasant thoughts about me. A time where I can sit back and just pump myself up. Who better to do that than me?

I have so many decisions to make in the up and coming months. I am planning to move soon. I hate that, but I have to do what I have to do. I hate to move again but I think it will be better for me and my boys. This means that I will have to cut back again and watch my spending but in the end, the benefits will be worth it.

Kind of feels like I'm goin backwards sometimes instead of moving forward. Maybe one day I will get it together. I've made some improvements which I'm definitely proud of I just wish I could get everything in my life like I want it.

I'll be taking quite a few days off in the next week or so, so I plan on takin some time and just writing my plans down and tryin to figure out my next move.

To LOVE and be loved not LOVE and be liked

Cupid Sux

~sigh~ yet another Valentines day, and no Valentine. ~sad face~ Well, at least I can say I got closer this year so maybe next year will be the ticket. It's funny how that works it seems. I usually meet someone about a month or two before a major holiday and by the time the holiday rolls around the relationship or whatever fizzles. Not sure what that means or if it means anything. I was kind of excited about this one tho, even went out and bought a nice lil gift which I guess I will bestow on my sons instead.

I'm thinking after this year I will just give up on Valentines Day. I guess its good that I'm working anyways. At least I dont have to go out and see the drones of couples in the restaurants smiling n grinning because their sweetie has done something marvelous for them today. I guess they should be doing things nice for each other every day but still. It's one day out of the year to do something a lil extra special. Nothing wrong with that.

Wow, I had all of this stuff that I had planned to write about this morning but now for some reason Im blank.

Anywho in other news:

Bryson middle school basketball season is officially over. The Championship game was last nite. I got off work a lil early so that I could arrive on time and get a good seat within earshot of the referees. I like for them to hear me when I'm at the game. hehehe. Unfortunately my son's team lost by 2 points but it was one hell of a game. Greenville Middle did not run over Bryson like they may have done with previous teams. My boys played hard right up until the last seconds of the games and in my opinion they went out like champs. The lost the championship game and came in second but they remain undefeated in the regular season 3 years in a freaking row. ~marinate on that~

The majority of the team will be goin to Hillcrest High School next year with the exception of 2 of the players who will be goin to the 8th grade. The coach will have his work cut out for him next year finding and grooming another A+ team takin into consideration that 98% of his team is leaving, but he is a master at that..finding great player so I have no doubt that Bryson will continue to kick major ass.

Even at the game last nite there were people sitting around me that were saying that Bryson Middle School boys has one of the fastest teams that they have ever seen in a middle school game. Hands down! and I heard that from several men at the game. These lil boys could probably take on any high school team and give them a run for their money and I have no doubts about that. Its just something to see. Actually I couldve posted some video if my retarded arse brother hadnt left his camcorder at home. Even tho I reminded him pretty much every day this week to bring it. ~rolls eyes~

I say the season is over but thats only for school basketball. My son's team will be playing AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) pretty soon with practice starting on wednesday, so there is no rest for the weary. Last nite at the game a coach for a team called the Carolina Hurricanes came over to me to once again express his interest in my son playin on his AAU team and once again I had to tell him that my son is already on a team. He even had some parents and other people come over and try to sway me but my son is set on playing with his regular season team. I just let that be his decision. Whatever he decides to do is fine with me. I just want him to excel and play hard cuz momma wants him to kick arse on the court and take names. ~all in the name of good sportsmanship that is~ heheeh

Anyway, thats about it for now. Despite the fact that my Valentines Day will suck today. ~stupid cupid~ I do wish a Happy Valentines Day for every one else.


Smooches

Mina

The Point of it All

Some of you, if you pay any attention to my flickr page may know that I am reading this book called "Better single than sorry." If you are a single women I recommend it. It's pretty good. Make a lot of sense if you will. Not to say that the books author is saying anything that we have never heard before but in reading it myself I noticed a lot of aha! moments.

Anywhoz....Over the last couple of days I have made a small change in things. No need to get into what that change was. I'm sure folks will figure it out really soon but I just know for myself that maybe it needed to be done. Might not have gotten the outcome that I wanted but it was The Point of it all that needed to be realized. Sometimes if you don't ask, well, all the time if you don't ask questions then when things go sour you have no one to blame but yourself, and if you can't ask someone a question about where things are or where they are goin or how's the weather without it bein a problem then u need to re-evaluate some things. I'm not sayin that fits totally into my situation but you hopefully get the point. (In a round about way I hope) I never thought about this before but in different relationships that I've had, when they went sour and we either just stopped talkin and went our seperate ways without any real closure, I didnt pay it much attention. My thing was just good riddance, ya know? but I see now that that is important. You need to get those final things off your chest. Its important in order to move on and I'm sure it will help in the future. Not every one u meet is for you I guess.

Some folks u meet that u think could be that special person...might just be better suited as just a pal. Who knows? but in any event I think, and I could be wrong that there is nothin wrong with meeting someone and then just sitting down with that person if you are both interested in each other and seeing where each others head is at. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what path that other person is on. I know some may disagree and say you dont need to know that right off but I say I DO!. I want to know if a person is lookin for only a friend, are you looking for a *uck friend? are you looking for your future life partner? all of that is important to know right off the freakin bat.

It doesn't mean that I am to assume that one of those will be my role but at least I know where your head is at. That way I can say...hmm I'm not lookin for any of that...so I know I need to just keep this person in this lil category and move on. Maybe its just me or somethin but it makes sense to me.

I know partially what I am lookin for. I'm not ready right at this moment to be married. I dont want to just sleep with this person or that person....but I would like to be a part of another persons life and actually KNOW this. Feel this and have the feeling returned back to me. I dont think thats too much to ask. Like the book says, loosely quoted mind u. I dont want to love someone like they like me.

pieces

LWS

Last Woman Standing

Waking up this morning with a headache. Thought I'd get to sleep in a bit since I was goin in a lil late due to having a much needed eye appt, but my brother quickly spoiled that by needing a ride to work. Thats a whole other can of worms I'm not ready to get into right now. So, now I'm here lying in bed again typing when I could be catchin a few more Zzzz's.

In any event its been a interesting last two weeks. I can't even sum it up in words. I'll suffice it to say that I've changed a bit. The old Tracy would be handling this differently. *meanin worse than how I'm takin it now* but today I just feel like I failed but I still learned something. Life goes on. I hate that I failed but I'm not consumed with it like I wouldve been almost 2 yrs ago. Can I write off love and this feeling I have of wanting to belong to someone? no. Do I want to? yes. I do. It's so much easier to just stay in this house and be single and just not even worry about it but thats not realistic.

I think I get antsy sometimes but instead of talkin about it I hold it in. Until I explode and then its a bad moment. This time I didnt have a voice. This time I didnt say a word. Before with my ex I wasn't me. I was who he wanted me to be or I was tryin to be who he wanted me to be and this time I think I was tryin to do the same thing. I was tryin to be something I was not. Perfect. I'm not perfect tho. That was my fault. Iwas tryin to talk the right way, dress the right way, look the right way just do every thing right so that nothing bad will happen but I guess I need for something bad to happen sometimes.

I need conflict. It's a part of life and its normal. I need for you to not to agree with me. I need for someone to say Tracy, shut up, or say no! we're not goin here we're goin there. Thats normal. Life is not suppose to run smoothly.

How do you sit down with yourself and find out what you want from another human being? I'm not sure, I just know that I'm losing pieces of me each day, every minute. I am a product of everyone I've met. Each person has pinched off a piece of who I am so how do I stop that before theres nothin left?

I dont want to be the LWS.

Ave Maria

Mornings have been so hard for me lately. I just wanna lay in bed and just sleep. My bed feels sooooo good lately. No pic this morning but I just felt like blogging anyways. I've had Beyonce's latest cd for a while but never listened to anything but "Put a ring on it" Love that song...but last nite I bought a stereo for my room cuz I get tired of walkin around all day wit earplugs in my ear. Anywhoz I listened to a couple other songs on there and even tho they didnt really have much to do with me they just made me feel so powerful for some reason.

I'm not in love but listening to those songs made me feel like I was. Maybe I'm in love with myself. Today I feel like I can move a mountain. I've always loved music and its always made me feel good. There have been times when its made me feel sad too but this morning is not one of those days.

I think my favorites thus far are Halo and Ave Maria. Both are beautiful to me. Today I will not be aggravated. Today I will speak my mind and say what I feel. Matter of fact for the rest of the week and now on I will just speak my mind. Let folks know exactly what I think and how I feel about stuff. I've been holding that back for too long. Not speaking up when things bother me for fear of hurting the other person. Well, I have feelings too and I expect people to be upfront with me just as I try to be with them. I deserve and demand just that.

I have a lot of things to work on within myself. I most definitely have to work on my self esteem, and my body image issues but those are things that have plagued me for a long ass time and they wont be fixed quickly but I'm puttin in some hard work and I'll get over those things soon and stop putting so much emphasis on that from now on. I guess I got this negative aspect about my body image from my ex because he used to say all types of mean things when he was mad at other people or things weren't workin out for him. You have to hurt someone else I guess when you are feeling bad, and I started to believe that crap and I guess I still kind of believe it.

He used to tell me I was fat and then laugh later and say he was just jokin and just a bunch of other stuff that I'm not even gonna dwell on anymore. That part of my life is almost over. I say almost because the last emotion I have from that relationship is HATE and it is takin me a moment to get over that. I know its not right to harbor hate for another person but it is there and I'm tryin my best to just get over it. I think it will take a person bigger than me to help me with that. Much bigger than me.

Well, this is cathartic for me, it really is. I can't share my private journal with anyone but this online blog I can. Who knows maybe something I am goin thru is the same as what someone else is going thru.

I hope every one has a wonderful day today because that is what I claim for my day.

Love to you all

Tee

Maybe....

Maybe ......

its me. could that be possible? I guess it could be. Maybe I'm not attentive enuff....shouldn't someone say that if they think u aren't tho? or should u figure it out and make the adjustment. Maybe I'm too nice.....is that even possible? Too laid back? that one I can believe. Perhaps it comes off as me not givin a dam or something. I'm really not sure.

Can something that attracted you about a person make u wonder about them later? I suppose it could. Is that my fault? I dont think so. What am I talkin bout? Bet u wished u knew dont you?

Oh well,.....moving on

More shopping today...I think I am becoming addicted to shopping. It just feels so good tho. I dont go out and get stuff I dont need tho. I get stuff I need and a couple things that I want as well. I think my best purchase thus far aside from the fridge that I purchased was the perfume I got on friday. I've gotten quite a few compliments on that. Men and women...which is always a good thing. I think I smell divine. It's not too strong and not too light. It's just right on me.

I'm sittin here in my kitchen...as I cook my boys a big pot of spaghetti...something that they love. I haven't really been cooking as much as I used to but I need to get back to that because my ass is gettin a lil too big from all of the eating out. I am just gettin ridiculous..and I'm so lazy that all I can do is just complain about it at this point. I havent gotten motivated to do something about it just yet. The only thing I've done so far is order a pair of walkin shoes from eastbay.

I think I need to make a list of my excuses as to why I cant get up and out and exercising and then just counter them with why I totally should be out there walkin or something. Maybe I need to take another look at that pic that was taken of me a couple weeks ago. That might just do the trick. I am very proud of me for layin off the sodas as much as I have..but the tea is gettin out of hand now. What else is there to drink? please dont say water because that is just not happening.

I'm pleased to announce that I put in for my vacation the other day. I had planned on vacationing with someone else but that fell thru so I'm just gonna get myself together and just go visit my mom and friends n Georgia and possibly visit a friend in jacksonville and leave it at that. Like I was mentioning about my book I purchased yesterday. There is no reason why I cant go on vacation by myself. I can totally go somewhere alone and have just as much fun. I promise I will do that before the year is over. Definitely gonna do that. Doesnt have to be any where exotic or anything like that just a simple weekend getaway. Shop, eat, sleep and just enjoy myself without any worries.

I can at least do that for myself. Well I guess thats all for today. Sorry my life is so boring but hey...lol thats life...mine anyway.

Side note: as much as I love b/w...I did not love me in b/w on this pic....lol and why do my eyes look so big on this pic? lol hmm I need to put on some lipstick too

better single than sorry

been a weird week for me, but thats ok. Today was supposed to be all happy and smiles for me because I had been planning this for a week. I wanted to just go shopping and eating and pampering myself today. Well I did all of that I just didnt feel my usual perky self and I cant really put my finger on the reason for that.
I kind of know why I'm feelin a lil irritated but I'm not gonna get into that right now. I'll save that for another blog. I'm really gonna try and start blogging more instead of just takin pics.
I have my diary which I write in pretty religiously but I'm sure blogging will be hella cool as well. Anyway...along wit getting pampered today I felt compelled to go into the bookstore and get myself something to read. Sometimes I need the distraction. A lil something to do to keep my mind occupied. Anywho I found this book called better single than sorry and Im not sure what caught my eye about the book but as I read the back of it I became more interested in it. It's not a man hating book or anything like that...it just talks about how you should love yourself and never settle for anythin that is not 100% what you want.
I guess I can honestly say that I do that from time to time. I guess I feel like being single is the end of the world for me. LIke I just NEED to be with someone, sometimes to the point of just being with someone n hopin it will make me feel better...but it doesnt really. So far I'm on chapter 3 and I plan to finish it by the weekend. I think I will learn alot about me. Probably some things I already knew and a couple things I didnt know.
I just want to be in a healthy place relationship-wise because I have never been in a healthy relationship in my entire life. I have never seen anyone in my family in a happy loving relationship so thats why I guess I dont have a clue myself.
Bein single doesnt mean the end of the world. I can be in a relationship with myself. I can love myself and take myself out. I can pamper myself, I can treat myself to the movies, I can tell myself I look good in this or that. I can hug myself and I can just be happy bein who I am. Not to mention I dont have to change myself to be ME.

only change is constant

I dont understand the male species and I'm sure they dont understand me either...and thats ok. Why is it ok? I'm not sure, but I just know that it is. I am complex. I am the only one that thinks that but I know its true. Sometimes I am too laid back for my own good. I apologize sometimes for that but I cant change it because I dont want to.

I like being the way I am for the most part. I learned a helluva lot from my last relationship. I learned to keep my heart wrapped up until I am 100% sure its needs to be opened. I'm being stingy with it until I find the person that I feel is deserving of it. I'm a work in progress I know. I have a lot of things I probably need to iron out about me but the point is that I'm working on it.

I cant run behind anyone. I can't convince someone that I'm the one for them. I refuse to play the cat and mouse game and I definitely can't hold my breath for longer than 10 seconds. All this to say what? I'm not sure, it was in my head and as always. I had to let it out.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

clearly

clearly
Originally uploaded by Wilhemina Lump Lump

Been a minute since I blogged, lots has been goin on. Some good, nothin really bad. Still workin on me and bein the best ME I can be. Happy about the changes Ive made so far...happy about the people that I've chosen to ignore. The ones who mean me no good and the ones who really weren't friends to begin with.

Met a new friend, which is always good. All I can say is friend because I am never one to assume my status with another person. Pretty much just enjoyin the company right now.

I would say that the only thing I'm disappointed in in this respect is that I haven't taken the time to sit down and ask the important questions yet, like where is this goin? or is it even goin anywhere? at this point in the game does it even matter? I'm not really sure to be honest.

Things like this are hard to gauge. It's hard to get people to trust you even tho you've given them no reason not to. You never know what they've come thru just like they never know what you've been thru. All I can say is that I refuse to spend another year or 4 years of my life proving to another man that I am trustworthy and faithful. That will not happen.

After all I've been thru I figure either u can trust me for who I am or get the hell on. It's also what I would expect another person to do in my regards as well.

I dont know why I am blogging about this. I guess its just on my mind right now. Things like this usually come about after talkin to one of my friends. We usually have some really interesting convos where men are concerned. All I can say is; I am who I am and I feel like I'm a good person for the most part ....but I really get irritated at times with bullshit. Thats not just for relationships this pertains to most things. My bs tolerance is very low. Life is too short for madness.

I'm tryin to take myself to another level. I want to be happy. I am tired of fake men. I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of people who just want things from you but they are never ready to give one iota. I made a promise to myself to only expect and accept the best and I want to keep that promise.