Hair today ....Gone tomorrow

Hmm its been a few days but nothing really exciting has been goin on. Surprise Surprise huh? lol Well those walking shoes that have been keepin me from exercising have finally come in the mail so now I can get out and walk right? hmmm, ~peeks out window~ "Is that a rain cloud I see in the sky? ~sigh~ I'm really gonna make a concerted effort to get out today and get some exercise in. I promise. ~fingers crossed~

In other news...in the pic above I know you notice that my hair is considerably shorter than it was a couple days ago. Well there is a story behind that. Let me just say that the blame falls on me because I have this problem with finding a hair stylist I like and then switching after a year because I get bored or something. Well the stylist I had before thanksgiving I was with her for a lil over 2 years...but I was bored before that just too lazy to find someone else. Well, thanksgiving of last year I found someone else and decided to try her out. I should've let my first visit be my last one because she put the wrong type perm in my hair and burned my freakin scalp in two places. My dam head was on fire in that mug. Then when it came to put the fire out...the water pressure in the shop was just horrible. Water was barely coming out. I thought I was just gonna burn up in the chair and the fire dept would need to be called to extinguish me.

Anyway..I kept goin..I saw other people go thru the same thing...perms that were too strong for their skin/scalp type bein set on fire in her chair.....but I still went...one lady was even cryin she was burning so bad. smh...but anywho what sealed the deal for me was on this same day. I saw her drop a styling comb on the floor..........pick it up and put it RAT back in her clients hair. ~falls out in the floor~ after that I said no freaking more. That was my last visit but by then the damage was done. My hair broke out severely in the back...I had to go to the freaking dermatologist get some creme and antibiotics...(hmm might need to send her my bill) and I was lost as what to do next.

I waited a week and just stressed about it because I never have issues with my hair...my hair always grows back quickly..but now this time. My hair used to be real long and healthy but I always like to cut it in different styles from time to time so its been a long time since I've let it grow out. Anyways, I got in my car and came upon this stylist shop in Mauldin...went inside and talked to the stylist there and she looked over my hair and gave me her professional opinion. She was really nice and professional. Her shot was spotless. She was dressed nice, her hair looked healthy and I even had a chance to speak to two of her clients. Sold! so I let her work her magic on my hair. She said I didnt need a drastic cut but I just figured to be on the safe side. I want it all cut so that it will all grow back more healthier and it will just make me feel better. I was a lil worried bout the style on my big melon head but she assured me it would look right, so I went for it. All in all, I'm pleased and I definitely like that I dont have to do my hair in the morning..lol wake, tossle, and go..hehehehe.

So...I've found a new stylist...and I am goin to just stay here and not switch and do what she says I should do concerning my hair and hope that nothing like this ever happens to me again. Lesson I learned? Know Thine Stylist!

Love. Peace. and Hair Grease.

There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.

I have no idea of what perfection is because I have no desire to attain it. I believe as Conrad Hall does that there is beauty in imperfection. Things dont have to be "perfect" to be right. Sometimes u just need a lil mess or fuss.

Today has been just a pretty quiet day for me. Got off work and went straight to the car repair shop to have some stuff done to my car. Had to hang around for a couple of hours, sleepy as I was but the silence of it all was a blessing to me. No fones ringing, no one knocking at the door. Just time to sit and think. Nothing in particular just random thoughts.

I appreciated that today. I also appreciated the discount that I received from the guys that worked on my car. I guess it had something to do with me bringing them biscuits and coffee to start off their morning. I dont know why I do things like that for strangers but I felt compelled to. All I know is that they were shocked and pleasantly surprised. My car runs super great now. I appreciate that.

ANy way...nothing new to report. I'll be leaving in the morning headed to Georgia to run some errands and things for my mom...so I will be m.i.a until Sunday. Enjoy your weekend.

Get over yourself...or not

Spent another day today at the spa. Its becoming somewhat of a small addiction now. I feel so good when I leave. Doesn't really last long tho. I can't really say that I haven't been trying to pamper myself these last couple of months because I have. Just doesn't seem to have the same feeling as if it was done by someone else. Why does that matter to me so much? I'm not really sure, but who wouldn't love that from time to time?

My spoiling myself today included a facial and a simple manicure. Nothing too fancy but it sure felt good as hell. I'm gonna curb goin so much in a few weeks. I just pretty much wanted to try one of each of the things on the "menu" if you will to see what I like. I know I love the facials, the pedicures and I'm anticipating the same thing with the massage which I have scheduled for March 2nd. ~Yay~

If only I could get my inside to feel as happy as my outside appears at times, but then again I haven't really been doin a great job of masking that. It's so easy to pretend to be in a good mood. Maybe its the weather. I hate the winter months. Maybe I just need for it to be warm again so that I can get out again and do more. Who knows. I'm not even sure why I felt compelled to write tonite. I just know its 1am and I'm at work bored to death so I'm eating every thing in sight. I'm not hungry or anything. I'm just bored and its weird, but when I'm bored to death I eat a lot. Which explains the 20lbs I've gained these last couple months.

I hate that but in a way I dont even care. I'm 40, and I'm not grotesquely overweight, yet, so I guess when I get to it I will get to it. Thats how it usually works. One day I just get up, put on the walking shoes, walk out the door and head to the gym and I'm committed to that until I get to where I want to be. I haven't gotten to that point just yet. Right now like I mentioned in a previous blog. I'm fine with just bitchin about my weight gain. ~Ugh!~

This weekend I will be goin back to Georgia. I kind of hate goin back home these days. Things have changed in the last couple years. People who were friends, dont really seem the same. I also lost a good friend to Cancer last year so I wont have that person to hang out with while I'm there. He always used to make me laugh, so it will definitely be a very short trip. Once I get back I will officially be on vacation. I plan to just get my house in order and clean out closets, (this is so interesting huh?) and just take some time for myself and relax.

Hmm well enuff of boring the masses. Enjoy your day.

me

Sometimes I'm a goober

Today started off pretty good and I guess its still good. I'm just not a creature for change. Surprises aren't always good where I'm concerned. I freak out a tad n feel totally uncomfortable. Thats what happened today. I felt a lil weird in a situation I used to be comfortable in. I guess because there was another variable present.

I should just get over it but Im weird so it takes me a minute. Felt like such a goober. ~smh~ Sometimes I just wish things could remain constant all the time but inside I know the only thing thats constant is change.

I just need to get with the freakin program.

The word of the day is relax. I say that because some times I just need some quiet time to myself. A point in the day where I can just sit and be quiet and only think pleasant thoughts about me. A time where I can sit back and just pump myself up. Who better to do that than me?

I have so many decisions to make in the up and coming months. I am planning to move soon. I hate that, but I have to do what I have to do. I hate to move again but I think it will be better for me and my boys. This means that I will have to cut back again and watch my spending but in the end, the benefits will be worth it.

Kind of feels like I'm goin backwards sometimes instead of moving forward. Maybe one day I will get it together. I've made some improvements which I'm definitely proud of I just wish I could get everything in my life like I want it.

I'll be taking quite a few days off in the next week or so, so I plan on takin some time and just writing my plans down and tryin to figure out my next move.

To LOVE and be loved not LOVE and be liked

Cupid Sux

~sigh~ yet another Valentines day, and no Valentine. ~sad face~ Well, at least I can say I got closer this year so maybe next year will be the ticket. It's funny how that works it seems. I usually meet someone about a month or two before a major holiday and by the time the holiday rolls around the relationship or whatever fizzles. Not sure what that means or if it means anything. I was kind of excited about this one tho, even went out and bought a nice lil gift which I guess I will bestow on my sons instead.

I'm thinking after this year I will just give up on Valentines Day. I guess its good that I'm working anyways. At least I dont have to go out and see the drones of couples in the restaurants smiling n grinning because their sweetie has done something marvelous for them today. I guess they should be doing things nice for each other every day but still. It's one day out of the year to do something a lil extra special. Nothing wrong with that.

Wow, I had all of this stuff that I had planned to write about this morning but now for some reason Im blank.

Anywho in other news:

Bryson middle school basketball season is officially over. The Championship game was last nite. I got off work a lil early so that I could arrive on time and get a good seat within earshot of the referees. I like for them to hear me when I'm at the game. hehehe. Unfortunately my son's team lost by 2 points but it was one hell of a game. Greenville Middle did not run over Bryson like they may have done with previous teams. My boys played hard right up until the last seconds of the games and in my opinion they went out like champs. The lost the championship game and came in second but they remain undefeated in the regular season 3 years in a freaking row. ~marinate on that~

The majority of the team will be goin to Hillcrest High School next year with the exception of 2 of the players who will be goin to the 8th grade. The coach will have his work cut out for him next year finding and grooming another A+ team takin into consideration that 98% of his team is leaving, but he is a master at that..finding great player so I have no doubt that Bryson will continue to kick major ass.

Even at the game last nite there were people sitting around me that were saying that Bryson Middle School boys has one of the fastest teams that they have ever seen in a middle school game. Hands down! and I heard that from several men at the game. These lil boys could probably take on any high school team and give them a run for their money and I have no doubts about that. Its just something to see. Actually I couldve posted some video if my retarded arse brother hadnt left his camcorder at home. Even tho I reminded him pretty much every day this week to bring it. ~rolls eyes~

I say the season is over but thats only for school basketball. My son's team will be playing AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) pretty soon with practice starting on wednesday, so there is no rest for the weary. Last nite at the game a coach for a team called the Carolina Hurricanes came over to me to once again express his interest in my son playin on his AAU team and once again I had to tell him that my son is already on a team. He even had some parents and other people come over and try to sway me but my son is set on playing with his regular season team. I just let that be his decision. Whatever he decides to do is fine with me. I just want him to excel and play hard cuz momma wants him to kick arse on the court and take names. ~all in the name of good sportsmanship that is~ heheeh

Anyway, thats about it for now. Despite the fact that my Valentines Day will suck today. ~stupid cupid~ I do wish a Happy Valentines Day for every one else.


Smooches

Mina

The Point of it All

Some of you, if you pay any attention to my flickr page may know that I am reading this book called "Better single than sorry." If you are a single women I recommend it. It's pretty good. Make a lot of sense if you will. Not to say that the books author is saying anything that we have never heard before but in reading it myself I noticed a lot of aha! moments.

Anywhoz....Over the last couple of days I have made a small change in things. No need to get into what that change was. I'm sure folks will figure it out really soon but I just know for myself that maybe it needed to be done. Might not have gotten the outcome that I wanted but it was The Point of it all that needed to be realized. Sometimes if you don't ask, well, all the time if you don't ask questions then when things go sour you have no one to blame but yourself, and if you can't ask someone a question about where things are or where they are goin or how's the weather without it bein a problem then u need to re-evaluate some things. I'm not sayin that fits totally into my situation but you hopefully get the point. (In a round about way I hope) I never thought about this before but in different relationships that I've had, when they went sour and we either just stopped talkin and went our seperate ways without any real closure, I didnt pay it much attention. My thing was just good riddance, ya know? but I see now that that is important. You need to get those final things off your chest. Its important in order to move on and I'm sure it will help in the future. Not every one u meet is for you I guess.

Some folks u meet that u think could be that special person...might just be better suited as just a pal. Who knows? but in any event I think, and I could be wrong that there is nothin wrong with meeting someone and then just sitting down with that person if you are both interested in each other and seeing where each others head is at. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what path that other person is on. I know some may disagree and say you dont need to know that right off but I say I DO!. I want to know if a person is lookin for only a friend, are you looking for a *uck friend? are you looking for your future life partner? all of that is important to know right off the freakin bat.

It doesn't mean that I am to assume that one of those will be my role but at least I know where your head is at. That way I can say...hmm I'm not lookin for any of that...so I know I need to just keep this person in this lil category and move on. Maybe its just me or somethin but it makes sense to me.

I know partially what I am lookin for. I'm not ready right at this moment to be married. I dont want to just sleep with this person or that person....but I would like to be a part of another persons life and actually KNOW this. Feel this and have the feeling returned back to me. I dont think thats too much to ask. Like the book says, loosely quoted mind u. I dont want to love someone like they like me.

pieces

LWS

Last Woman Standing

Waking up this morning with a headache. Thought I'd get to sleep in a bit since I was goin in a lil late due to having a much needed eye appt, but my brother quickly spoiled that by needing a ride to work. Thats a whole other can of worms I'm not ready to get into right now. So, now I'm here lying in bed again typing when I could be catchin a few more Zzzz's.

In any event its been a interesting last two weeks. I can't even sum it up in words. I'll suffice it to say that I've changed a bit. The old Tracy would be handling this differently. *meanin worse than how I'm takin it now* but today I just feel like I failed but I still learned something. Life goes on. I hate that I failed but I'm not consumed with it like I wouldve been almost 2 yrs ago. Can I write off love and this feeling I have of wanting to belong to someone? no. Do I want to? yes. I do. It's so much easier to just stay in this house and be single and just not even worry about it but thats not realistic.

I think I get antsy sometimes but instead of talkin about it I hold it in. Until I explode and then its a bad moment. This time I didnt have a voice. This time I didnt say a word. Before with my ex I wasn't me. I was who he wanted me to be or I was tryin to be who he wanted me to be and this time I think I was tryin to do the same thing. I was tryin to be something I was not. Perfect. I'm not perfect tho. That was my fault. Iwas tryin to talk the right way, dress the right way, look the right way just do every thing right so that nothing bad will happen but I guess I need for something bad to happen sometimes.

I need conflict. It's a part of life and its normal. I need for you to not to agree with me. I need for someone to say Tracy, shut up, or say no! we're not goin here we're goin there. Thats normal. Life is not suppose to run smoothly.

How do you sit down with yourself and find out what you want from another human being? I'm not sure, I just know that I'm losing pieces of me each day, every minute. I am a product of everyone I've met. Each person has pinched off a piece of who I am so how do I stop that before theres nothin left?

I dont want to be the LWS.

Ave Maria

Mornings have been so hard for me lately. I just wanna lay in bed and just sleep. My bed feels sooooo good lately. No pic this morning but I just felt like blogging anyways. I've had Beyonce's latest cd for a while but never listened to anything but "Put a ring on it" Love that song...but last nite I bought a stereo for my room cuz I get tired of walkin around all day wit earplugs in my ear. Anywhoz I listened to a couple other songs on there and even tho they didnt really have much to do with me they just made me feel so powerful for some reason.

I'm not in love but listening to those songs made me feel like I was. Maybe I'm in love with myself. Today I feel like I can move a mountain. I've always loved music and its always made me feel good. There have been times when its made me feel sad too but this morning is not one of those days.

I think my favorites thus far are Halo and Ave Maria. Both are beautiful to me. Today I will not be aggravated. Today I will speak my mind and say what I feel. Matter of fact for the rest of the week and now on I will just speak my mind. Let folks know exactly what I think and how I feel about stuff. I've been holding that back for too long. Not speaking up when things bother me for fear of hurting the other person. Well, I have feelings too and I expect people to be upfront with me just as I try to be with them. I deserve and demand just that.

I have a lot of things to work on within myself. I most definitely have to work on my self esteem, and my body image issues but those are things that have plagued me for a long ass time and they wont be fixed quickly but I'm puttin in some hard work and I'll get over those things soon and stop putting so much emphasis on that from now on. I guess I got this negative aspect about my body image from my ex because he used to say all types of mean things when he was mad at other people or things weren't workin out for him. You have to hurt someone else I guess when you are feeling bad, and I started to believe that crap and I guess I still kind of believe it.

He used to tell me I was fat and then laugh later and say he was just jokin and just a bunch of other stuff that I'm not even gonna dwell on anymore. That part of my life is almost over. I say almost because the last emotion I have from that relationship is HATE and it is takin me a moment to get over that. I know its not right to harbor hate for another person but it is there and I'm tryin my best to just get over it. I think it will take a person bigger than me to help me with that. Much bigger than me.

Well, this is cathartic for me, it really is. I can't share my private journal with anyone but this online blog I can. Who knows maybe something I am goin thru is the same as what someone else is going thru.

I hope every one has a wonderful day today because that is what I claim for my day.

Love to you all

Tee

Maybe....

Maybe ......

its me. could that be possible? I guess it could be. Maybe I'm not attentive enuff....shouldn't someone say that if they think u aren't tho? or should u figure it out and make the adjustment. Maybe I'm too nice.....is that even possible? Too laid back? that one I can believe. Perhaps it comes off as me not givin a dam or something. I'm really not sure.

Can something that attracted you about a person make u wonder about them later? I suppose it could. Is that my fault? I dont think so. What am I talkin bout? Bet u wished u knew dont you?

Oh well,.....moving on

More shopping today...I think I am becoming addicted to shopping. It just feels so good tho. I dont go out and get stuff I dont need tho. I get stuff I need and a couple things that I want as well. I think my best purchase thus far aside from the fridge that I purchased was the perfume I got on friday. I've gotten quite a few compliments on that. Men and women...which is always a good thing. I think I smell divine. It's not too strong and not too light. It's just right on me.

I'm sittin here in my kitchen...as I cook my boys a big pot of spaghetti...something that they love. I haven't really been cooking as much as I used to but I need to get back to that because my ass is gettin a lil too big from all of the eating out. I am just gettin ridiculous..and I'm so lazy that all I can do is just complain about it at this point. I havent gotten motivated to do something about it just yet. The only thing I've done so far is order a pair of walkin shoes from eastbay.

I think I need to make a list of my excuses as to why I cant get up and out and exercising and then just counter them with why I totally should be out there walkin or something. Maybe I need to take another look at that pic that was taken of me a couple weeks ago. That might just do the trick. I am very proud of me for layin off the sodas as much as I have..but the tea is gettin out of hand now. What else is there to drink? please dont say water because that is just not happening.

I'm pleased to announce that I put in for my vacation the other day. I had planned on vacationing with someone else but that fell thru so I'm just gonna get myself together and just go visit my mom and friends n Georgia and possibly visit a friend in jacksonville and leave it at that. Like I was mentioning about my book I purchased yesterday. There is no reason why I cant go on vacation by myself. I can totally go somewhere alone and have just as much fun. I promise I will do that before the year is over. Definitely gonna do that. Doesnt have to be any where exotic or anything like that just a simple weekend getaway. Shop, eat, sleep and just enjoy myself without any worries.

I can at least do that for myself. Well I guess thats all for today. Sorry my life is so boring but hey...lol thats life...mine anyway.

Side note: as much as I love b/w...I did not love me in b/w on this pic....lol and why do my eyes look so big on this pic? lol hmm I need to put on some lipstick too

better single than sorry

been a weird week for me, but thats ok. Today was supposed to be all happy and smiles for me because I had been planning this for a week. I wanted to just go shopping and eating and pampering myself today. Well I did all of that I just didnt feel my usual perky self and I cant really put my finger on the reason for that.
I kind of know why I'm feelin a lil irritated but I'm not gonna get into that right now. I'll save that for another blog. I'm really gonna try and start blogging more instead of just takin pics.
I have my diary which I write in pretty religiously but I'm sure blogging will be hella cool as well. Anyway...along wit getting pampered today I felt compelled to go into the bookstore and get myself something to read. Sometimes I need the distraction. A lil something to do to keep my mind occupied. Anywho I found this book called better single than sorry and Im not sure what caught my eye about the book but as I read the back of it I became more interested in it. It's not a man hating book or anything like that...it just talks about how you should love yourself and never settle for anythin that is not 100% what you want.
I guess I can honestly say that I do that from time to time. I guess I feel like being single is the end of the world for me. LIke I just NEED to be with someone, sometimes to the point of just being with someone n hopin it will make me feel better...but it doesnt really. So far I'm on chapter 3 and I plan to finish it by the weekend. I think I will learn alot about me. Probably some things I already knew and a couple things I didnt know.
I just want to be in a healthy place relationship-wise because I have never been in a healthy relationship in my entire life. I have never seen anyone in my family in a happy loving relationship so thats why I guess I dont have a clue myself.
Bein single doesnt mean the end of the world. I can be in a relationship with myself. I can love myself and take myself out. I can pamper myself, I can treat myself to the movies, I can tell myself I look good in this or that. I can hug myself and I can just be happy bein who I am. Not to mention I dont have to change myself to be ME.

only change is constant

I dont understand the male species and I'm sure they dont understand me either...and thats ok. Why is it ok? I'm not sure, but I just know that it is. I am complex. I am the only one that thinks that but I know its true. Sometimes I am too laid back for my own good. I apologize sometimes for that but I cant change it because I dont want to.

I like being the way I am for the most part. I learned a helluva lot from my last relationship. I learned to keep my heart wrapped up until I am 100% sure its needs to be opened. I'm being stingy with it until I find the person that I feel is deserving of it. I'm a work in progress I know. I have a lot of things I probably need to iron out about me but the point is that I'm working on it.

I cant run behind anyone. I can't convince someone that I'm the one for them. I refuse to play the cat and mouse game and I definitely can't hold my breath for longer than 10 seconds. All this to say what? I'm not sure, it was in my head and as always. I had to let it out.

Flickr

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